The Ultimate Gamble: Parenting Lessons from Poker with Leaha Hammer

Parenting is often compared to a game—sometimes it feels like chess, requiring strategy and foresight, and other times, like an endless round of Go Fish, hoping to draw the right card. But for mental health therapist and author Leaha Hammer, parenting is best understood through the lens of poker. In her book The Poker Player’s Guide to Parenting, Hammer reveals how the game’s strategies and psychology can help parents navigate the unpredictable world of raising children.

We sat down with Hammer to discuss the high stakes, bluff calls, and all-in moments of parenthood.

What sparked the idea to connect poker strategies with parenting? Was there a particular moment when you realized the similarities?

I worked with a lot of children and families early in my career, and I used a behavior modification system involving poker chips. It started as a way to create a “currency” for kids without using cash, but I quickly realized how much the psychology of poker mirrored the dynamics of parenting. The more I thought about it, the clearer the connection became. I still use our chip jars at home to this day.

How does your background as a mental health therapist influence the strategies in the book?

It’s highly influential. Being a therapist is both a blessing and a curse for a parent. On one hand, you have the knowledge and strategies to be a great parent. On the other, you’re painfully aware when you’re not following your own advice. You know better, but stopping yourself in the moment? That’s the tricky part.

You mention that parenting is the ultimate gamble. What’s the biggest “risk” parents take, and how can they play their hand wisely?

The biggest risk is choosing to have a family. It’s the ultimate leap of faith—so many variables are out of your control. The best advice I can give is to go all in with your kids. Give them your absolute best effort, every day.

Your book introduces a poker chip reward system. How does it work, and what makes it more effective than traditional discipline methods?

The system is simple: kids earn poker chips for positive behavior and lose them for negative behavior. Unlike cash, chips are always on hand, so parents can immediately reinforce or correct behavior in the moment. That immediacy is what makes the system so effective.

In poker, players have to decide when to “buy in” and when to “fold.” How can parents apply this concept when setting boundaries?

It’s all about knowing what’s at stake. Some battles are worth buying into—others, you should fold and move on. Like poker, parenting decisions aren’t always black and white; sometimes, you just have to trust your gut.

You emphasize communication through “table talk.” What are the most common mistakes parents make, and how can they fix them?

One of the biggest mistakes is unclear expectations. Another is failing to follow through. If you threaten a consequence but don’t enforce it, you lose all parental credibility. Kids are master bluff readers—if they sense you won’t follow through, they’ll call your bluff every time.

What are some classic “kid tells” that parents should learn to recognize, similar to how poker players read their opponents?

Kids have their own tells. Avoidance, sudden behavior shifts, using anger as a distraction—these are all signs something deeper is going on. As a parent, you know your child better than anyone. When something feels off, trust your instincts.

Some parents struggle with knowing when to pick their battles. When should they “go all in,” and when should they step back?

It depends on the stakes. Before you engage, ask yourself: What happens if I lose this battle? Does it undermine my authority? Does it contradict our family values? Not every battle requires an all-in move—sometimes, just calling is the best bet.

You tackle tough topics like anger, entitlement, and discipline. What’s one outdated parenting myth you’d love to see disappear?

The idea that parents have to overpower or bully their kids to be effective. That mindset is outdated and harmful. Kids need structure, not domination.

Many parents wonder if they should be their child’s friend. What’s your poker-inspired take on this debate?

Parenting isn’t a no-limit poker game. Boundaries are essential. If your goal is to be your child’s best friend at all costs, chances are you’re not setting those boundaries. Instead of chasing the short-term “win” of being the fun parent, focus on the long game—raising a responsible, well-adjusted adult.

What’s a piece of parenting advice you used to believe but have since changed your mind about?

I used to think there was a formula—that if you followed all the right steps, everything would fall into place. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Every child is unique. Parenting isn’t a formula—it’s a game of constant adjustments.

Every parent faces “bad beats.” How can they recover from tough moments and stay confident in their approach?

A bad beat is brutal, but giving up isn’t an option. No one wins all the time. If we expect our kids to be resilient, we have to model that resilience ourselves.

Your book emphasizes validation—why is it so important for parents to feel heard, and how does that impact their effectiveness?

Parenting is tough, and even the most confident parents question themselves. Words of affirmation are my love language, so I understand the power of encouragement. A reminder that your efforts matter can be the difference between folding and playing another hand.

If parenting had a signature poker hand, what would it be and why?

A suited 7 and Jack. It’s not a guaranteed winner, but it has potential. Just like parenting, the outcome depends on how you play it.

Your book is packed with humor. How does laughter help parents navigate the chaos of raising kids?

I don’t know how parents survive without laughing—especially at themselves. Kids make life chaotic, but they also make it hilarious. If you’re too focused on controlling the game, you’ll miss out on the fun of playing.

What’s one quick strategy from your book that parents can start using today?

Focus on communication. How you talk to your child, and how they feel about talking to you, sets the tone for everything else. Create an environment where they want to talk to you.

What’s one of the most surprising things you learned while writing The Poker Player’s Guide to Parenting?

Just how deep the poker-parenting parallels run. I could’ve kept going, but at some point, I had to fold and finish the book.

Who would benefit most from this book—new parents, seasoned parents, or everyone in between?

Everyone. But I wrote most of it when my kids were between 4-8, so parents of young children might find it especially useful.

How can parents use the strategies in your book to create a more peaceful, structured home without feeling like they’re constantly battling their kids?

Choose your battles wisely. Not every disagreement has to be a high-stakes game. Know when to push and when to step back.

Where can people follow your work, learn more about your book, and connect with you for advice or events?

Follow me on Facebook and Instagram at Leaha Hammer LIMHP - Author. You can also check out my blog, Hammer Through It.