The Ultimate Gamble: Parenting Lessons from Poker — An Interview with Leaha Hammer

Parenting is often compared to a game — sometimes it feels like chess, requiring strategy and foresight, and other times, like an endless round of Go Fish. But for mental health therapist and author Leaha Hammer, parenting is best understood through the lens of poker. In her book The Poker Player's Guide to Parenting, Hammer reveals how the game's strategies and psychology can help parents navigate the unpredictable world of raising children.

What sparked the idea to connect poker strategies with parenting?

I worked with a lot of children and families early in my career, and I used a behavior modification system involving poker chips. It started as a way to create a "currency" for kids without using cash, but I quickly realized how much the psychology of poker mirrored the dynamics of parenting. I still use our chip jars at home to this day.

How does your background as a mental health therapist influence the strategies in the book?

It's highly influential. Being a therapist is both a blessing and a curse for a parent. On one hand, you have the knowledge and strategies to be a great parent. On the other, you're painfully aware when you're not following your own advice.

What's the biggest "risk" parents take, and how can they play their hand wisely?

The biggest risk is choosing to have a family. It's the ultimate leap of faith — so many variables are out of your control. The best advice I can give is to go all in with your kids. Give them your absolute best effort, every day.

Your book introduces a poker chip reward system. How does it work?

Kids earn poker chips for positive behavior and lose them for negative behavior. Unlike cash, chips are always on hand, so parents can immediately reinforce or correct behavior in the moment. That immediacy is what makes the system so effective.

What are some classic "kid tells" that parents should learn to recognize?

Kids have their own tells. Avoidance, sudden behavior shifts, using anger as a distraction — these are all signs something deeper is going on. When something feels off, trust your instincts.

What's one outdated parenting myth you'd love to see disappear?

The idea that parents have to overpower or bully their kids to be effective. That mindset is outdated and harmful. Kids need structure, not domination.

What's a piece of parenting advice you've since changed your mind about?

I used to think there was a formula — that if you followed all the right steps, everything would fall into place. I couldn't have been more wrong. Every child is unique. Parenting isn't a formula — it's a game of constant adjustments.

What's one quick strategy parents can start using today?

Focus on communication. How you talk to your child, and how they feel about talking to you, sets the tone for everything else. Create an environment where they want to talk to you.